While looking in the mirror of my heart
“Mirror Mirror on the Wall…” and we all know how that one ends.
It didn’t end well for the stepmother, and many times it doesn’t end well with you…. that is if you’re truly looking.
Because when we look into the reflection of our hearts, the shadow that is usually hiding, makes itself visible. And this shadow holds the darkest parts of ourselves, the parts most of us like to pretend we are not.
Some people intentionally look in the mirror, some glimpse into it, and some catches a glance by accident.
In my case, I did all three in different stages of my life…. and let’s just say what I found, undid the perfect picture I held in my regard.
Lesson One: When I like you, I can become OBSESSIVE
I used the word obsessive loosely… sort of.
I’m not Joe Goldberg from the hit Netflix series You. There will be no stalking outside of your home, watching you in discretion and monitoring your day-to-day activities. Think of my obsession as a milder version.
Things like scoping out your social media pages to learn more about you (but this is entirely normal in this day and age, right?) could be expected. Well, more like stalking them… but that is the limitation for my obsessive habits.
The true issue with my obsession is the need for the person I’m obsessing over grows. Or the perceived need.
So, what starts off as innocent one liner-interactions turn into this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stop that says I need them to respond to my message now, immediately, no later than two seconds from the delivered signal notification.
Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit to make a point.
The point is, I mentally begin to approach the relationship with a lack of self-control.
And with this lack of self-control comes with irritation and annoyance when my perceived needs aren’t being met.
It is the least liked trait I possess.
And speaking of possession…
Lesson Two: If I love you, I become POSSESSIVE
If obsession is my least liked trait, it’s runner-up would be this guy.
While obsession and possessive tend to go hand in hand, it’s important to note that not EVERYONE I obsess for reaches this level.
No, this level crosses the line of infatuation that’s seen in obsession, to the type of love that’s contemplating selling a kidney to make sure the person has all that they need.
(I do nothing half-way. I dive in headfirst, with all the intensity that comes along with it).
And it’s when I reach this level, uncomfortableness begins to show for the object of my affection.
Why?
Simple, because my possessiveness looks something like:
“Why did it take you twenty-minutes to respond to my text? What were you doing?” Text me when you leave home. Text me when you make it to school. Text me before you fall asleep.”
I wish this was an exaggeration.
I get it, it’s uncomfortable for someone to feel like they are under a microscope and needing to report their whereabouts like a child with no freedom, but the possessiveness isn’t as sinister as some may believe.
It stems in the emotion of fear.
You see, if I love you, you give me something to lose. So, in my need for security, I need to know you are okay. In order to know that you are okay, I need for you to communicate YOUR EVERY SINGLE MOVE, especially if you are leaving your home and exist in the world of danger.
Make sense? Probably not.
Fear is irrational.
Lesson Three: I crave INTENSITY
Mundane relationships make me want to shoot myself in the head… literally.
Because I surf the wave of intensity and mundane is well… boring I don’t mix well with anything that falls under this category.
And I have learned in some relationships there are red markers that serve as neon lights for boring relationships…. tedious question.
You know the ones: ‘How are you doing? Did you enjoy work? How was school?’
Now, don’t get me wrong, I know we all need conversation starters, and these exist for that purpose. But it’s when these starters end without being led to meaningful dialogue that grate my nerves.
If I’m in a relationship, I need to know your desires, your fears, what makes you tick, your darkest secret, what makes you cry.
Let’s talk about your views on music, the arts, poetry and fiction.
We can talk racism or global warming if that’s more your thing, I prefer light-hearted dialogue, but hey, I’m willing to adjust.
I just want you to undress emotionally and get naked for me…... just make me FEEL when we speak.
This is where true connection begins, when we are at our rawest. And mundane relationships cannot never scratch below the surface.
Lesson Four: I want to be RECOGNIZED, but I also want SECRECY
This here is an oxymoron that I still don’t understand myself.
I used to be a huge TikTok fan, and over a year’s time I had gain a reasonable number of followers because of some fluke videos.
Before my videos went viral, I craved to be noticed, and people recognized my humor and “talent.” But as soon as it happened, I wanted nothing but to become invisible again.
I like attention, but I also don’t like attention.
What can I say, I’m an oxymoron.
Lesson Five: I catch FEELINGS easily.
“You like Seinfeld. I like Seinfeld. Will you marry me?”
Because I tend to not relate to people as easily as people relate to me, when I find someone who can stimulate me, and whom I share common interests with, I tend to develop feelings.
Of course, some of these feelings are rather superficial and die as soon as they are birthed.
In conclusion, rather you want to recognize your darkest traits or not, they have a way of creeping into your conscience. Nothing in the dark truly stay in the dark. All you need is a little light to cast its sight.
So, there you go, a five mile walk in my dark shadow.
Maybe you also have identified with my self-discoveries, or maybe you read this article and thought, ‘Thank God, I’m not her.’
